I write a lot about health and fitness, but so far I've avoided writing anything along the lines of "Do These [insert number here] Moves For a Great [insert body part here]".  It's time for me to break that streak, though, because after decades of personal research I believe that I've identified the definitive six-step guide to becoming beautifully bootylicious.  Without further ado, ladies, pull up a chair while I share my secrets with you.

Image Source:  E!

 

1. Be Born to a Mum With a Great Butt

Image Source:  NBC

(Hi Mum!  Thanks for that!)  Or at least have some good butt genes somewhere in your family.  I am a carbon copy of my mum, and my pear shape fell directly from her tree, but you might be able to find a booty role model on a more distant branch of your own family tree.  Your aunt?  Your paternal grandmother (check the old black-and-white photos to see if back in the day she was working some back)?  Good genes are without a doubt the most efficient way to get a great butt, so keep looking until you find some.

 

2. Be Raised by Parents Who Make You Eat Your Vegetables and Vilify Soft Drink

Poor diet can usurp even the most bootylicious genes, and diet habits are often formed from a very young age.  I owe my curves to my mum, not only for sharing her genes with me, but also for sending me out into the world with the basic understanding that real food — especially fruits and vegetables — are best, and processed sugary foods are best enjoyed at birthday parties and camping trips (looking at you, tiny cereal box sample pack).  You can certainly learn these habits later in life, but if you’re truly committed to having a great backside, you’re best off putting as much of the responsibility on your parents as possible.

 

3. Wonder Why Your Little-in-the-Middle-but-She-Got-Much-Back Body Doesn't Looks Like the Celeb's

Image Source:  Warner Bros.

Even if your parents do everything right, part and parcel of the teenage experience is blaming them for something, right?  I was incredulous that I was destined to look exactly like my mum when all that my superficial teenage heart longed for was a long, lean, lithe body like Gwyneth Paltrow.  I cursed my full hips and my muscular soccer player’s legs.  Why, oh why, was I cursed with this booty?!

 

4. Spend the Entirety of Your Early Adolescence "Dressing For Your Body Type"

Image Source:  Giphy

Minimising your wide hips with A-line skirts, bootcut jeans, and long flowy tops is a must.  I devoured these tips in Seventeen and Marie Claire.  Yes, yes, I nodded, I do see how much better that woman looks in a fit-and-flare dress than she did in a clingy shift.  I did it all — boyshort bikini bottoms, statement tops on top of black pants, pinstripes, and every cut of jean that promised to make my rear look more diminutive.  Do I look lithe yet?!  (No.  No, I didn’t.)

 

5. Watch in Amazement as J Lo and Then Kim Kardashian Become Publicly Celebrated For Their "Assets"

Image Source:  Bravo

Remember when J Lo busted onto the scene and the fact that she had that voluptuous, womanly booty was headline news?  And then Beyoncé released a song titled "Bootylicious" (!) and it was officially official:  it’s not only OK now, it’s actually a good thing to have some junk in the trunk.  Fit chicks take over social media with “belfies” (butt selfies, for you pure of heart out there), actually showing off just how round and shapely their glutes are.  My head explodes.  My time has come.

 

6. Congratulations!

Image Source:  Fox

The body type that you've always had is now trending and you officially have a great booty!  You did it!

 

The moral here, of course, is that every body has its beauty, and sometimes it just takes the rest of the world a little while to catch on.  I’m enjoying my moment in the sun while my natural body shape is en vogue, but I fully expect to be out of style again when the next “body trend” hits.  So if a round booty isn’t in your make-up, fear not:  your tiny tush or your soft tummy or your asymmetrical boobs could be the next big thing.  And even if they aren’t, the sooner you decide that they’re your next big thing, the better off you are.  Because you know what’s always en vogue?  Confidence.

Now that's one way to meal prep for the week!  Don't you wish it were that easy?  While one man did lose 24 pounds in one month on a pizza-only diet, we're pretty sure Jillian Michaels is playing a belated April Fools' joke.  Not that there's anything wrong with a little pizza once in a while, but hopefully there's a week of mason jar salads behind those containers of pepperoni slices.  It's all about balance, right?!

Prepping meals for the week is one surefire way to keep track of your calorie intake and to ensure you fuel up with healthy foods.  If you're new to meal planning, follow this three-step process.  You can prep just one meal a day or really go for it and plan out every meal and snack, and these 20-plus ideas broken down by meal can help make it happen.  You can go really simple or get super creative — here is some meal prep inspiration.

Image Source:  Instagram user jillianmichaels

Have you ever been at war with yourself during a diet, or just in general when you're fighting off a craving?  I have those inner dialogues with myself all the time, and it feels like your brain is having a civil war.  This includes last night, when I realised I had a secret stash of chocolate in my gym bag.  It was late, I had already eaten a snack (fibre cereal:  I was being so good!), and I was about to go to bed, but similar to how a predatory animal sets its sights on prey, I was fixated:  I couldn't turn my brain off once I remembered the chocolate.  Can you guys relate to this scenario?

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*Remembers there is a Reese's Cup in the pocket of gym bag*

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... and the dialogue begins.

 

"OMG ... there's a Reese's Cup in your bag."

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"NO.  You don't need that.  It's already so late, and you just had cereal."

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"But it sounds so good though ..."

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*Thinks about it*

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"It's not worth it.  It's so much sugar, and sugar is a drug.  It's why you're thinking this way."

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"You're thinking like a drug addict!"

 

"No, I'm not!  I just like chocolate, okay?!"

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"Your stomach will be pudgy.  Definitely not worth it.  Besides, you've already had like seven in the past two weeks."

Image Source:  TLC

 

"Oh, come on, it basically won't even affect your body at all.  You won't even notice.  AND it'll taste SO good."

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"You've been trying to lose weight though!"

Image Source:  Bravo

 

"You're fine.  You're PMSing, so your body basically NEEDS chocolate to survive right now.  It's simple physiology."

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"Chocolate is fuel to you:  just give your body what it needs.  You have this craving for a reason."

 

"No, you have this craving because it's a drug ... "

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"I'm just gonna smell it."

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"Wait ... What are you doing??? Don't ... DON'T!!!"

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"WHATEVER!"

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*Eats it*

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This Is What It's Like When You're at War With Your Cravings

Image Source:  Fox

There was something about forced physical activity during school hours that I had an extreme aversion to — and I was an athlete until I graduated high school.  Even when I "forgot" my change of clothes for gym, I had to borrow from school (the loaner clothes were dyed pink and unsurprisingly made the experience infinitely worse).  My PE teacher typically didn't buy my sick excuse and my principal found me hiding in the bathroom one too many times, so attending PE was inescapable.

While I tried to avoid gym class at all costs, some day's activities were unquestionably worse.  There was a hierarchy of the most terrible PE exercises I was required to do during this miserable hour.  So here are the most dreaded gym-class activities we all experienced, as told through GIFs.

Image Source:  Walt Disney Studios

 

1. Dodgeball

Image Source:  20th Century Fox

I know some people enjoyed this activity:  I will concede that sometimes even I didn't detest it.  But, having rubber balls flung at your face is all fun and games until someone (me) gets hit in the head.

 

2. Timed miles

Image Source:  NBC

Seriously, why is this required?  I like running:  I don't like being lapped by my more talented classmates.

 

3. Track and field activities

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For those of us who weren't skilled track stars, doing hurdles was an embarrassing and painful exercise.  How many fences did I have to knock over before my teacher excused me from the activity?  None — there are no excuses in gym class!

 

4. Field sprints

Image Source:  Walt Disney Studios

Because I was an athlete in school, I got a double dose of everyone's favorite sprinting exercise.  Running the lines on a field in a successive pyramid until you want to drop was torture.  I sweat a lot exercising so returning to class after a line running day was another personal nightmare.

 

5. Choosing teams

Image Source:  ABC

While not a physical activity, the anxiety of waiting to be picked for a squad was unbearable.  No one — I don't care how removed from sports you are — wants to be chosen last.

 

6. Fitness testing

Image Source:  US Marine Crops

Sure, fitness testing wasn't as strenuous as passing the Marine Corps assessment — but it definitely felt like it at the time.  You had to pass a certain level to receive the supreme prize:  a presidential fitness t-shirt (and you were decidedly uncool on my campus if you didn't have one).

 

7. Watching all the talented athletes

Image Source:  Sony Pictures

Like I said, I was an athlete, which made me competitive — but that doesn't mean I was good.  Every gym activity had the one student who made it look easy.  When you're struggling to do a single push-up and the girl next to you just did 15, no one is smiling.

 

8. Push-ups

Image Source:  MGM

Another exercise I am totally capable of, and do regularly now.  When I was screamed at by the gym teacher to get to 20 while my friends watched and laughed at my shaking arms, push-ups were unbearable.

 

9. Overeager gym teachers

Image Source:  CrossFit

I will never forget my middle school gym coach because she felt more like a drill sergeant than teacher.  Instead of allowing me to revel in my young age and enjoy a break from the books, I was constantly accosted to run faster or push harder.

 

10. Bat and ball sports

Image Source:  Walt Disney Studios

Not everyone is coordinated.  In fact, there are very few people capable of pitching a baseball or softball without endangering a life — I am not one of those people.  I cringed each moment a ball was tossed my direction.  Sometimes my life even flashed before my eyes.

 

11. Bonus:  sex education

Image Source:  Paramount Pictures

Of course sex education is important.  Middle schoolers definitely don't understand that.  Instead, this unit produced red faces, uncomfortable shifting in our seats, zero eye contact, and unavoidable mental images.

I'm not gonna lie.  Lifting heavy scares me a little because I feel like my knees or back would break.  But I never feared this would break — that is, until now.  I know she probably feels so bad, but really, she should feel badass — check out how much she's lifting!