Types of People Who Go to Yoga
For me, yoga is the perfect exercise: a respite and refuge from stressful days with the added bonus of physical fitness. And it's better as a group activity — the energy of a room full of like-minded people can add positivity and a sense of community to your practice. But there's a downside too. Yoga attracts many different kinds of people, and sometimes those people are not quite so like-minded. Like, they're not quite clear on the rules for when to get there, when to leave, and why you shouldn't bring your cell phone. Yoga class is a varied cacophony of people and personalities, so this is devoted to them — and you, because, honestly, many of us have been some of these types. Yes, even the farter. It happens to the best of us.
Image Source: HBO
1. The Woman Who Can't Part With Her Mobile
Image Source: TLC
Don't you answer that phone. Don't you dare!
2. The Show-Off
Yeah, we get it. You're amazing.
3. The Farter
Image Source: ABC
One time is one thing. Making music several times during class is totally another.
4. The Loud Breather
Image Source: AMC
Ohhhhhm my god, be quiet.
5. The Looky Loo
Image Source: Universal Pictures
You know her. She's looking at you; she's looking at her, at him, at the teacher. Girl, mind your business!
6. The Gigglers
Image Source: MTV
We've all been there. It's why I avoid going to yoga with friends.
7. The Newbie Guy Who Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing
Image Source: Warner Bros.
Oh, but he tries.
8. The Latecomer
Image Source: Universal Pictures
You're ruining my Asana!
9. The Early Leaver
Where are you going?
10. The Chatters
Image Source: HBO
I mean, go to happy hour.
11. The Mirror-Obsessed
I see you seeing you.
12. The Savasana-All-the-Time Yogi
Image Source: Paramount Pictures
Are you snoring?
13. Teacher's Pet
Image Source: NBC
She can turn off the lights herself.
Crossfit Fitness Fails
If you've ever done a WOD (Workout of the Day), these #CrossFitFails may be all too familiar. Beware: they might make you never want to take a CrossFit class again — or ever!
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Fitness Class Descriptions
When it comes to working out, it doesn't help that most fitness class descriptions are totally bogus. Geraldine DeRuiter of The Everywhereist gives an honest account of what these classes are really like.
As my recent foray into Paleo eating suggests, I've tried (and triumphantly failed) to be healthier. A big component of that failure isn't just that I like eating things made primarily of butter — it has to do with my woeful attempts at exercise. I regularly take classes that, had I known what I was signing up for, I never would have agreed to while sober.
Source: DreamWorks
Part of the blame lies with me — I tune out the instructors because I'm trying to figure out how, in a room lined with mirrors, I can pick the wedgie my workout pants give me without anyone noticing. Whenever the music starts, unsure of what to do, I flail around like my sports bra is on fire.
But the gyms and studios I frequent should also be held accountable, because the descriptions on their website are woefully vague: "energising," "fast-paced," and "emphasising strength and form" mean absolutely nothing. I've had naps and bowel movements that met all those criteria. But I think gyms rarely use more accurate descriptions, like "vomit in front of strangers" and "question if that's sweat or urine on your pants," because these might deter a more discerning customer.
To spare others from a similar fate, I've created new descriptions for some of these classes.
Insanity
Image Source: Giphy
Based on the premise that if you can keep your heart operating at maximum capacity for long enough, it will eventually explode, burning, like, a sh*tload of calories. You will find yourself repeating the mantra — “Just one more set, and then you get to barf.” (Note: in the '80s, this exercise was called “cocaine.”)
Reformer
Image Source: SB Nation
Medieval torture to the tune of $35 an hour. If you can’t do the exercises (and unless you are in Cirque Du Soleil, you can’t), don’t worry — you’ll just fall through the machine on to the concrete below. Your face will absorb most of the impact.
This is a scene from an actual class.
Barre
Image Source: Giphy
Thirty seconds in, and I started thinking that my patronus was the decaying body of a beached whale. I’m pretty sure every single other Lululemon-clad woman in class was a former ballet dancer who quit to become a bellybutton model. The instructor kept telling us to “Contort yourself into a position that is profoundly uncomfortable and inaccessible to most humans. Now, PULSE!” (I might be paraphrasing.) At one point we had to interact with a rubber ball in a capacity that, in certain cultures, would constitute marriage.
Circuit Training/Plyometrics
Image Source: Lionsgate
High-speed interval aerobics that make you feel like your little sister was selected as tribute in The Hunger Games and you had to take her place. Often taught by a lean, tattooed gazelle of a human who bounds around class like it’s a f*cking meadow. Fear him. He’s from District 1.
Spin Class
Image Source: Giphy
Just save yourself the middle man and take a hammer to your knees. Alternatively called: “Now I know why hamsters eat their young.”
Mat Pilates
Image Source: 20th Century Fox
Because sometimes you want to lie on your back, with your legs spread at weird angles, writhing in pain. Most of the exercises seem like grotesque attempts at simulating childbirth. At some point, I may have blacked out.
Bikram Yoga
Image Source: Paramount Pictures
This is one of the worst things I’ve experienced as a consenting adult. Great preparations are taken to replicate the conditions you’d find if you were to practice yoga inside a human body cavity for 90 godforsaken minutes. Perfect for those that enjoy passing out onto carpet that smells like a yeast infection. (Sh*t that the instructor actually said during class: “Take only tiny sips of water during class, and not too often. Think of it as a treat.” She described something that is ESSENTIAL TO ALL LIFE ON EARTH AS. A. F*CKING. TREAT.)
Body Pump
Image Source: Giphy
Even though the word “pump” has never been used in reference to the human body in any pleasurable way, ever, I took this class. There I learned that you don’t need proper form or supervision while weight-training when you can just herniate a disc while listening to Katy Perry. Note: You will make noises that sound like you are trying to seduce a whale.
TRX
Image Source: Youtube
It’s sort of like being a marionette, if the person controlling your strings was being electrocuted. By the time you figure out how to do the actual workout without strangling yourself, everyone will have moved on to another exercise that you will also suck at.
This is what everyone else looks like.
Image Source: Sheila Gim
This is what I look like.
Zumba
Image Source: 20th Century Fox
Pelvic thrusts in public, for those who wish to eliminate whatever shreds of dignity they may have left after Pilates. On the plus side, you get to relive the humiliation and peer rejection of a middle school dance as an adult.
Tracy Anderson — Arms
Image Source: 20th Century Fox
(Note: Tracy is the fitness sadomasochist to the stars. She has tortured Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez, and Madonna.)
A series of arm exercises that, were they replicated in water, would conveniently signal to a lifeguard that you are drowning. Starts off fairly tame, and works into a crescendo of trying to dislocate your shoulder while praying that a well-intentioned neighbour doesn’t see you and call a paramedic.
Tracy Anderson — Legs
Image Source: 20th Century Fox
Do you remember that fairy tale about the girl who puts on a pair of enchanted shoes, and then she can’t take them off and has to dance until she dies? (Also, WTF were kids allowed to watch in the '80s?) Anyway, this workout is basically that. You hold your leg aloft and kick, ideally while crying. Complete one million repetitions, and you disappear in a puff of lavender-scented smoke and are reborn as Gwyneth Paltrow.
(This isn’t a GIF. It’s a live feed video of her doing it an infinite number of times.)
People You Hate When Trying to Lose Weight
Whether your hanger just makes you super cranky or your plummeting blood sugar levels are making you more sensitive, if you're trying to lose weight — and you want to stay on that path — it's best to steer clear of these people.
The Ones Who Can Eat Whatever They Want and Never Gain a Kilo
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Where do those calories go? They must have the metabolism of a 5-year-old.
Bakers, Chefs, Chocolatiers, and Anyone Whose Job It Is to Make Delicious Food You Can't Eat
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Damn them and their incredible gift for creating the irresistible food that made you need to lose weight in the first place!
The Sharer Who Asks, "Want a Bite?"
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How can you resist? You can't!
People Who Are Clearly NOT Trying to Lose Weight
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Couldn't decide, huh?
People Who Lose Weight With Minimal Effort
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You gave up alcohol for a week and this is what happens? No seriously, good for you.
Family Members Who Think Food = Love
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Gotta love those in your fam who think you're too thin already and are always pushing you to eat more. They think turning down Gramma's homemade cookies should be a punishable crime.
Non-Experts Who Constantly Offer Expert Weight-Loss Advice
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They're always the first to share unsolicited advice about how you can drop a few. "Oh, all I need to do is drink apple cider vinegar every day?" Thanks.
People Who Tempt You Off the Healthy Path
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Of course you'd rather go to happy hour than hit the gym, but you don't need them to remind you.
People Who Thank You With Food
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That's the last time you house-sit for your kind and thoughtful neighbour.
People Who Love Exercising and Eating Healthy Every Minute of the Day
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Hooray for you.
Things You Hate When Trying to Lose Weight
Losing weight sucks. Plain and simple. Certain people make dropping those pounds even harder, but there are also certain things you can't stand because they make you want to eat and eat and EAT! If you're trying to slim down, you'll want to avoid these things.
Parties
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Barbecues, holidays, graduation parties — their sole purpose is to offer obscene amounts of delicious food. Oh, and to eat it and wash it down with alcoholic beverages. And then, of course, to eat more until you explode.
Grocery Shopping
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Seeing all that produce and healthy foods in my cart just reminds me how much I want cake. And the free samples? Come on!
Clothes Shopping
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Bathing. Suit. Shopping. Need I say more?
Happy Hour
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Oh, just an ice water and side salad for me. F* that. How can I not order margaritas with nachos?
Bakeries
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Walking by their open doors; the aromas of freshly baked, still-warm rolls; and sweet, flaky pastries call to me. Think these are Paleo? I'm gonna go with yes.
Fairs, Festivals, Games, and Other Family-Friendly Places
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These places don't just sell food; they sell the most ridiculously decadent foods you never even knew you wanted to eat — and many deep-fried, smothered in cheese or chocolate, and served on a stick.
Walking by Outdoor Cafes
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Hi, you don't mind if I just sit down right here and eat that, do you? Thanks.
Food Noises
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The rustling of potato-chip bags, popcorn popping, beer-bottle tops and cans of soda opening, people crunching, sipping, or slurping — it's hard to not want all of these things after hearing those familiar sounds.
Farmers Markets
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Hmm, homegrown kale or homemade sugar-coated doughnuts?
Traveling
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How can I immerse myself in the culture without eating everything I see?
Summertime
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Ice cream cones, beer, barbecues, bathing suits. Awesome. Just awesome.
