Half-Marathon Humor

Signing up for a race is half the battle.  The other half is surviving it.  Anyone who has completed a 5K, 10K, 15K, half, or full marathon can relate to this.

Image Source:  Kat Borchart

• I should sign up for a race.  All those people look so happy and empowered!  I want to be happy and empowered!
• OK, time to register.  Eighty dollars?!  You have to pay to run!?  This better be good.
• It's gonna be good.  I'll be so healthy and inspired.

  

  Image Source:  ABC

• Alright, race day is tomorrow, I better carbo load.  I think that means I can have pasta AND pizza.  That's what runners do, right?
• Oh my gosh I love carbs.  I should sign up for more races!
• Gosh, I have to get up early.  Why do these things start so early?  Are all runners morning people?  Are they like a secret society of superhumans who get up early and exercise?
• What do I even eat for breakfast?  Is yogurt OK?  HOW DO I DO THIS?
• Oh crap, I'm gonna be late.  Maybe I shouldn't go ...
• Wait, I have to go, I paid $80.  I'm going.  My friends are waiting for me.
• Maybe I should tell them I'm sick.  I suddenly got running pneumonia, a rare strain that only acts up when you run.
• UGH OK FINE I'M OUT THE DOOR.
• Wow, there are so many people at this race.  Everyone has some kind of vintage race shirt on, is everyone here a superathlete?  There's so much Lululemon here.
• OMG it's starting.  OK.  Pace yourself.  Here goes nothing.

  

  Image Source:  Giphy

• How many miles are left?  Still 13?  OK.  It's OK.  I can do this.
• Wait ... are these little kids here just to cheer me on?  OMG THEY HAVE WATER.  Yes.  I love water.  I need that.
• These people aren't actually racing, right?  Like, for first place?  Nah ...
• Wait, what if there is a first place and people are actually trying to win?
• Oh my gosh am I going to be in LAST PLACE?

  

  Image Source:  Universal

• Is there a reward for winning?
• Well, that's not happening for me today or ever, so whatever.
• I'm so surprised I don't have to pee yet.  Am I sweating out my fluids?  Ew.
• OK, there's no way I can finish this.  How do I pretend I finished so I can post a good Instagram?
• Wait where are the water kids?  Are they coming back?  Do their parents drive them to a new location?
• PRAISE THE LORD THE WATER KIDS ARE BACK!

  

  Image Source:  CBS

• Alright, so I was told that this was a flat and downhill run, but now I think I was lied to.  WHY ARE THERE HILLS?
• Nature is pretty cool!
• But seriously, is this a hike or a run?
• Are those ... ORANGE SLICES?  Oh my gosh bless you, small children.  This is truly nectar of the gods.
• Why didn't I make a better playlist?!?  THESE SONGS ARE NOT GETTING ME THROUGH THESE MILES.
• My lungs hurt.  And my feet.  And my legs.  And my sides.  Why did I do this?!
• Is there an option to end sooner?  I've run the equivalent of a 15K, that counts.  I'm gonna stop now.
• OK fine, I'll keep going.  I heard there's Champagne at the finish line.

  

  Image Source:  ABC

• In through the nose, out through the mouth.  Just.  Keep.  Breathing.
• I can't believe I haven't puked yet ... this is kind of amazing.  MY BODY IS INCREDIBLE.
• Wait ... there's only a mile left ... !
• What if my lungs give out like right before the finish line and someone gets a photo of me dying before I even finish the race?  That would be SO embarrassing.

  

  Image Source:  Giphy

• Is it lame to walk through the finish line?  OK, maybe.  Just ... keep ... jogging ... slowly ...
• OMG THE FINISH LINE.  I AM QUEEN OF RUNNING AND THE UNIVERSE

  

  Image Source:  Summit

• Why are my legs still moving?  The race is over!  I can't stop my legs from moving where can I lie down and die.
• Wait OMG chocolate milk and bananas?!  Feast of kings at my fingertips!  What a cornucopia of blessings!  Yes I'll have a water bottle!
• OK, now I'm ready to nap for 85 years.  And mayyyybe sign up for another one of these races, now that I'm a legendary race machine.

  

  Image Source:  Giphy